I'm pretty sure that's not semen... That's totally semen...

Soon...

This post is powered entirely by Galvy
(Because Das Squidy is still playing Tales of fucking Phantasia... It's taking for fucking ever)

Experiment 02:
Mouse

Did you say 'Jew?' I distinctly heard you say 'Jew.'

It feels like a stretch to call Mouse a harem anime because a lot of the tropes are ignored. Our lead character is lowly high school art teacher by day Sorata Muon, by night the notorious legacy thief named Mouse,who's ancestors have confounded one bumbling, screaming chief of police after another for 400 years. The Muon family has created a rather large underground organized support system to help perpetuate the crimes of later generations- the entire college where Sorata works is actually a secret high-tech base, and everyone who works there is in service to the family. In a stunning turn of events, Sorata is a man who is competent, capable, and has a pleasantly humble personality. Even more stunning- all three of his subservient, absurdly endowed assistants want to have sex with him, and he actually has sex with them. Madness! This show (unlike Sekirei) is more like your classic wish fulfillment- the main character bangs three super-hot-n-horny and completely dedicated subordinates, he's the greatest master thief who's ever lived, and best of all he resides in a super-mansion hidden in the college where he works which means no frustrating morning commute.

It's interesting (well, to me) that this show comes closer to the actual definition of the term 'harem' than a lot of harem anime. Mouse is regarded by his three female servants as 'Master,' and they essentially exist to ensure that all of his needs are met, rather than just being a bunch of random women orbiting some loser because they happen to live in the same apartment complex or whatever. Cementing anime's dedication to keeping genres as stultifying as possible, this show was a failure.

Not that the premise is all that original- it's essentially a harem show meets Diabolik meets Lupin III (both of which are based on 'gentleman thief' novels from early 20^th century France, both of which are infinitely superior to this show). I can't say with any authority exactly why the show didn't last, and I think it's noteworthy that this broke from the conventions of the harem genre by making the sex a thing that actually happens instead of a looming threat of doom, and then ended up with only 12 episodes (15 minutes each- at least it's a quick watch) before fading into obscurity. Meanwhile crap like Sekirei has two TV seasons, drama audio plays, a video game, and a (TERRIBLE) manga still going strong at 16 volumes. Hell, why did Twilight succeed where Blood and Chocolate failed (other than the fact that Twilight clearly had a less hilarious title)? 

Insert PMS joke here- then throw the plastic applicator in the trash. Rimshot! Thank you, try the veal.

Anyway, let's talk about the chicks, man. During the day, the female leads are teachers at Muon's school, berating him in front of students and dressing (relatively) professionally. After class though, the hair comes down. It's all bondage outfits and four-way sex between heists. I have no idea when any of them are supposed to sleep, or grade papers. And the animation does a fine job of showcasing their ladyparts, rendering them so jiggly, smooshy, and exaggerated that it often bypasses 'sexy' on its way to 'self parody.' Their titties practically breakdance is what I'm getting at here. 

 ... Is she smuggling a fucking peanut in her shirt?

They regularly parade themselves around in provocative outfits, barely covering themselves even when it's time to go assist their master in yet another daring jaunt into crime, literally begging our hero for sex or forcing it on him when he's resistant (or tired, or busy... they're a lot like cats, now that I think about it...). This is where just over half of the comedy from the show originates, and it gets old quick because it's just not that amusing beyond the initial shock value. It managed to drag a genuine chuckle out of me exactly one time: When the girls are jealous about him going out on a date with a student, rather than do the rational thing and ask him not to go out with one of his godamn students, they all corner him in a room and luv 'im up so spectacularly that when it's time for him to leave, he is a drained-to-the-point-of-near-death husk of a man, incapable of even considering having sex WITH HIS STUDENT. Good thinking, girls!

Mei Momozono- The older, most experienced whore of the group and longest serving minion, having met Sorota when he was a prepubescent boy and she was a teenager. This pays off hilariously later, when we find out that she gets off dressing Mouse like a schoolboy during sexytime. Did I say hilarious? I probably didn't mean that- gross might have been the word I wanted to use. 

  

Yes, gross. That was it.

  

Born the daughter of the lead servant of Sorata's estate, she was whipped into submission from childhood to be our hero's loyal thrall. Literally. As in, someone with a whip chained her to a wall and beat her until it was time to devote her life to helping Mouse steal shit. There's a sad attempt to make her character sympathetic rather than horrifying- she decides that she'll off herself if she doesn't feel that Mouse is worthy of her support, so thank God Sorata's such a solid dude, right? When the going got tough, he was there to swoop in and prove that he wouldn't sacrifice any of his subordinates ('friends'), so she has given herself over to him completely. Yep, all the ickyness from the horrible beatings and being born into servitude is washed away somehow. Anyway, when she's not henching for Mouse, she's a math teacher at the college. 

 

Yayoi Kuribayashi- Next up is a girl who's name sounds like Cornholio describing an erection, Busta Rhymes flubbing some lyrics, somebody cried out in surprise before tripping over a garbage can. She was terrified of men before Mouse came along and turned her into a godamned sex-obsessed pervert. In the flashback episode that explains their relationship, we find that Yayoi is the powerball jackpot of male fantasy- the girl who's crippling social flaws have kept her unbelievably hot body cock-free until the day that you can swoop in and teach her the ways of love. She had the Velma Dinkley/Irma Langenstein thing going on, what with the glasses, the book smarts, the modest dress, and brown-hewn librarian hair. She was terrified of men not because she was raped (see, that would spoil that fresh MOC vagina), but because she's just afraid of her own desires and doesn't know how to deal with men. (Wikipedia explains that in the manga she was traumatized by watching her parents go at it as a small child which... man, that'll do it. I don't know, if I had to be traumatized, and had to choose between being raped or watching my parents fuck I'd have to flip a coin). Her sheer terror of men is so extreme that she hides under a desk when one happens into the all-women chemistry lab where she was working before Mouse abducts her (heroically! Don't worry, she totally wanted him to abduct her, so it's fine!).

SEE! Consent! Consent removes all moral consequences from everything!

Mei (who is at this time Sorata's math tutor) takes it upon herself to break Yayoi of that terror after noticing how gobsmacked she is by Sorata's polite everyman charm. Mei forces public sex on Sorata in an area where she knew Yayoi would see it, correctly predicting that it would open Yayoi up to maybe getting sticky sometime. Mei's insane plan works, and gets Yayoi all conflicted as she lays in bed alone at night. Later, Mouse has to rescue Yayoi from a laboratory fire that she started herself accidentally because seeing a dude gave her another panic attack. Yes, he has to save her from herself literally and psychologically HOW ELSE but by kissing her, taking her up in his arms, and carrying her to safety and also sex. 

She now works as a nurse at the college by day and henches for Mouse by night, rather than advancing the world of chemistry like she was before giving in to her carnal desires. Wait, that almost sounds like the plot of an erotic novel written for women... I take it back, this show has something for everyone.

Kakio Hazuki- the last of Sorata's sexy assistants is the most shocking of all because she is... NOT a lolicon! She's iust a green-haired girl with realistically large breasts (like C cups). You heard that right- REALISTICALLY LARGE BREASTS! She makes up for her lack of absurdly huge boobs by being sillier than the other two, and dressing in a variety of costumes. Plus, she's a toilet slut.

OM NOM NOM

I thought that I had dodged a bullet here- a show that doesn't include a little girl for the pedophiles in the audience! Incredible! So of course there's an episode where she gets her heretofore undiagnosed multiple personalities separated inside a big computer simulation that causes her central inner self to be turned into a little freaking lolicon, because we can't have nice things and anime can't not make this weird. As her errant personalities get absorbed back into her main consciousness, her body starts filling out and getting sexier- so you can get a boner no matter what stage of puberty you find enticing! Like I said earlier, something for everyone. Anyway, she's the college gymnastics instructor during the day and Mouse's karate fighter hench by night.

Gaze into the true face of undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

Samasa Morijama- Surprise, I lied! There was a fourth servant, but she only shows up in the last episode, so she's there just long enough to do a little godawful Jerry Lewis style schtick, possibly participate in an orgy, and then disappear.

WAIT, WHAT?!

 

Then there's the satellite women- a trio of teenage girls who attend Mouse's art class. Two of them are mostly there to stand around (I can't even remember if they have names, annnnd neither does Wikipedia), the third is Machiko, a redhead who just became... whatever the age of consent is in Japan, I guess? Because she decides that she's going to start dating Sorata (whom she affectionately refers to as Squeak ['chuu' in Japanese] even though she doesn't know his secret identity), and just straight-up asks him out on a couple of dates, which he reluctantly accepts just to be nice because he's such a great guy. I'm probably aiming a little high by assuming that she's 18, because when she was offered a beer while on said date, she innocently replies that she's not drinking age yet (which in Japan is 20). Skipping ahead to later in the series, Machiko and her friends are discussing some magazine article about the strangely low-sounding percentage of Japanese teenage girls who have kissed a boy, and she declares that she'll join that venerated minority by kissing her teacher. Let's put this all together so that it becomes clear how little all of this makes sense.

• Sexy, red-headed 18 (I hope?) year old.
• Attending college (Japanese high school).
• Going steady with her professor.
• Is a virgin who has never even kissed a boy.
  
  
   
  
  Sounds legit.*
  
  
  
  
  Each episode revolves around Mouse and his thralls pulling off some daring heist... not that this part of the story means a whole hell of a lot. In the very first episode, our man steals an entire freaking museum. Not just the stuff inside, the actual big-ass building around the stuff, too. Rips that bitch right outta the ground. Later, he steals a god damn tower because that should be REALLY EASY to fence.

  
  

  Some of the action is alright, but none of the heists are particularly clever. The intention of starting with such absurdly impossible heists was clearly to wow the audience with our hero's incredible versatility, but that doesn't really work because if the very first thing we see him do is make off with an entire god damn museum with little to zero problems it just makes the rest of his adventures dramatically inert. Which means you'd better have some seriously compelling characters to make the show worth watching (spoilers: doesn't happen) or some kind of external struggle to complicate things. That occurs at the tail end of the series, when we're introduced to a secret cabal that protects mankind's artistic achievements and feel that Mouse is a danger to their mission, so they send an immortal assassin after him. But there aren't enough episodes to flesh any of that out, which... again, makes the whole thing feel pointless.

  
  

  It's sad, because the ingredients for something at least passable (if not interesting) are there. This feels like it fell victim to the sort of pacing that works better in manga- my assumption is that they went for a fairly direct adaptation of the source material, and that was a mistake (like Watchmen, except not as depressing). It could be an amusing 15 pages worth of fluff in a manga anthology magazine- I might even read it regularly given that it's a delivery system for drawings of boobs and butts that could be skim-read in two minutes sammiched between other, better manga. And sure, the episodes are a mere 15 minutes long, it shouldn't be a surprise that you don't get enough time to know the characters or be swept up in the plot. But then consider that 12 episodes times 15 minutes is 3 hours. That's longer than The Godfather, Star Wars, My Left Foot, or 2001: A Space Odyssey. I guess it's a better waste of life than sitting through a Syfy Channel presentation of Dinocunt vs Octopussy, but only because the abundant nudity and arguably sex-positive attitude keep the show from being completely forgettable. 

  
  

  Two H. Jon Benjamins out of five, mostly because tits.
  *That research is, appropriately, from the year this show was being written.

A Very Small Update...

The Sekirei Experiment is still under production. What you see now is critically unfinished, but will be completed as soon as I get up off my lazy ass (Tales of Phantasia saps a fuckload of time). Until then, I leave you with a hint to what my next experiment may be.

Until then...

 

Soon...

"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it"

Ever shit yourself in a public place? That instant feeling of regret and fear all pooled into the back of your pants, dribbling down your thigh, making its way down to your calve... At that point it's no longer poop, that's concentrated emotion. That's what these shows are like. Every one of these shows I watch find a new, untapped level of crazy for me to subject myself to. After a while you'd think to yourself "oh, there's no way this show's gonna gank me over with the rape aspect again, I mean, the last one was literally called "Good Luck This Rapesgiving Watanabe!" and it featured lesbian nuns from the core of Mars, so surely NOTHING could ever..." And then it hits you... 3rd episode in, you done been ganked.

You've gotta understand, I love old-school, hand drawn animation. CGI makes my balls hurt. A lot of good has been done with 2D over the decades (Ralph Bakshi, Hayao Miyazaki, Chuck Jones, everyone behind Heavy Metal... Hey, at least that movie was honest with itself). There's even a decently solid bastion of anime made in a time when tits in animation was a special thing, and there always seemed to be that one copy of that one particular OVA at the video rental store that you'd trick your mom into letting you rent every so often just so that you could spank to the freeze-framed naughty bits... I've lost m'self... Anyhow, The thing I'm trying to get at here is that Anime diluting the 2D gene pool, so I and a few honored guests will be taking it upon ourselves to start the new world order... The only remaining issue is I wouldn't know where to start...

Nevermind...

 

Experiment 01
Sekirei

Tokyo, Japan- the near future (as ever). 19-year-old Minato Sahashi has twice failed his college entrance exam, is awkward around women, and perpetually unemployed. In mere moments, he has proven to the audience that he's worthless by every metric society uses to judge a man, which means it's time for the anime version of a rom-com meet-cute. The Meg Ryan/Julia Roberts/Diane Lane/Rene Zelwi... Zeilweg... Bridget Jones literally falls from the sky... crotch first... onto Minato's face. Yes, before he even knows the girl's name he knows what her taint feels like resting against his nose.

Now that the surprise sexual assault is over with, it's time for introductions. Musubi is a missile-titted teenage girl with super strength and nigh invulnerability- part of a secret race of warriors known as "Sekirei." She's running from two other Sekirei with lightning abilities, but becomes so suddenly enamored with Minato that she's can't help herself- she steals a kiss, which nonsensically grants her magical wings and amps her powers significantly. Musubi beats her pursuers, and drops an exposition bomb: That kiss proved that Minato is her "Ashikabi." It's kinda like the Minicon thing in Transformers Armada- he's a human with special genes that allow Sekirei to use the power of love to fight other Sekirei in a secret underground elimination competition. So, actually it's kind of like Highlander. Anyway, in the competition is organized by the chairman and founder of the mysterious/powerful MBI Corporation, which has secretly bought Tokyo from the government and has been sealing it off to create a battleground for their super-fights. The MBI corporation has set it up so that each Sekirei that loses their battle is separated from their Ashikabi for all time, and removed from the tournament. We soon discover that an Ashikabi can have more than one Sekirei partner— and the more you collect, the better your attack deck... wait, now it's Pokemon. Did they seriously turn women into pocket monsters? Yep! They even have different attack types... Musubi is a fist type (AHAHAHAHA). Others are fire, plant, water, you know the drill. This series is Transformers Armada Pokemon Highlander. No, it's not as good as that sounds.

Anyway, Our Hero and The Tits luck into free room and board that also happens to house other Sekirei who end up falling all over themselves for our hero's affections. The characters are uniformly irritating, but over time they kind of grow on you (like fungus). The Sekirei inexplicably drawn to our hero are:

Sasami Kusano- the obligatory little girl for that lucrative pedophile demographic. In a strange twist, she's not THAT irritating (depending on how mopey they make her for dramatic purposes), and is actually used for comic relief. She'll randomly be dressed in big, cute, poofy animal costumes, or fight for Minato's attention in childish ways rather than the attempted-rape that the other girls employ.

Washu Matsu- the smart, horny one. She sits in her secret room, watching monitors when she isn't trying to piss the other women off by attempting to rape the main character.

Tsukiumi- the one that hates the main character, but just can't help that her body craves his bodily fluids. She initially wants to kill him rather than be soiled with his penis (which is, of course, the correct reaction). But of course, she later realized that kissing him upped her power substantially, so now she's decided that kissing = marriage, and that he should only pay her attention- comedy ensues. She also has a faux-Shakespearean style of speaking that reminds me of Marvel's Thor.

Musubi- the first Sekirei that Minato acquires. She's dumb as a bag of hammers, and eats alot, because, you know, nothing is funnier to the Japanese than being dumb and eating a lot. Yes, she's gender-swapped Son Goku.

There are other girls in the house that already have Ashikabi, and a head mistress of the house who is very conservative and supplies the threat of death that keeps this show from turning into a full-on hentai.

In a fascinating twist, the nudity is kind of well balanced for this sort of show. If you're watching this, you know you're watching it for the promise of surreptitious boobies and butts n' such, and it doesn't fuck around in that department. Also, unlike Queen's Blade, none of the characters are being raped to death, or peeing, or just generally being humiliated when their tits flop outta their clothing. Those who wonder how The Hulk's purple pants stay on while he's in super-battles will be glad to know that most of the sexy happens because super-punches are very hard on cotton/poly mix fabric, or Musubi's brain-dead innocence keeps her from being prudish. The violence, sadly, is rote for this kind of thing- big ludicrous attacks that are flashy and cause collateral damage, and you ab-so-fucking-lutely must announce the name of whatever it is you're doing while you're doing it. Boring.

Dumb plot and characters out of the way, this series isn't entirely terrible. The animation has a decent budget (and the art style is leaps and bounds better than the manga, which you can peruse online), and the characterization isn't GREAT but by the time I was done with the show I didn't want the characters to be separated from the weird little anime version of Full House they'd become. That said, there's something that really skeeves me out about this show. Our hero is the worst kind of person that the Japanese can imagine- SOMEONE WHO FLUNKED THEIR COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM TWICE! JOBLESS! Someone who would have to prove themselves competent outside of those institutions in any typical western show or movie (usually with his fists). However, this character is actually what he appears to be in the beginning of the show: whiny and pathetic, and you should hate him. It is obvious that he's supposed to represent the target audience, which is kind of fucking bizarre when you think about it. Consider that Arnold Schwarzenegger has commented that his films were successful because of the rise of feminized manhood- that his hyper-masculinity brought in crowds of men who were stuck in a world that had turned away from John Wayne, and has almost zero use for alpha males. We wanted to be Conan, is the point. And this is logical- we want to be the hero of our own narrative. Neo, or Luke Skywalker, or Spider-Man (or if you're not too bright, Travis Bickle, or Tyler Durden, or Paul Kersey, or Patrick Bateman...). It's a power fantasy, giving us what we lack in our mundane world. It's probably not an entirely healthy thing, but it is what it is. This shit, though, is on an entirely different level. The only (alleged) redeeming qualities Minato has are loyalty and kindness. Which are the exact two qualities that your mom can point out when you complain that none of the pretty girls will give you the time of day, and your grades aren't good enough for a scholarship, and your job prospects are all minimum wage and zero-respect positions. Sure, you're unattractive and nobody wants to be around you and you're never going to amount to anything, but you... um... you're loyal! And kind! You're a special snowflake, and it's everyone else's loss that they don't know just how sweet you are. It's like getting a participation trophy for being born to someone that loves you enough that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings (or admit to herself that she either sucks at parenting or has garbage genetics). But luckily for our hero, that's all he needs. A dull-witted set of sexy ladyparts fell from the sky and just smelled his specialness, her instincts overwhelmed, and without any effort whatsoever on his part, she kisses him full on the mouth. Instantly his unique genetics make her a whole being, capable of taking on greater challenges, unlocking her full potential. Every single ounce, every scintilla of work that normally has to happen for a woman to open her heart (and her mouth) to you is magically evaporated. Yes, you're worthless to every other person on the planet, but to her, you're the most important person in the world. And it's ok that you're weak and useless, because she can be strong for you. Even better, MORE absurdly gorgeous women just stumble across his path- a sexy drunk, a horny girl who spends all her time on the internet, a warrior woman who wants nothing to do with men but by God your specialness has turned her. Generally speaking, I'm not the type that gets their panties in a twist over 'toxic' ideas in media- I don't think anyone's going to watch this and then just give up on finding a normal relationship. I don't think watching violent movies or racist movies or sexist movies turns people into monsters. However, I am a thinking creature- I do consider the media I absorb. I do think about this stuff (too much, clearly). What bugs me is that this is clearly created for a specific market. This market- the otaku market- is so face-down-in-the-dirt sad that it's vacuuming up media that clearly has zero respect for it. This kind of fantasy is the sort of thing that, if you have self respect, you never admit to anyone. You don't write it down, you don't draw pictures of it, you don't send it to publishing companies. Yet, someone did that. And that publishing company showed it to an animation studio. And then that studio spent thousands of hours painstakingly animating frame after frame of the saddest fantasy I can even imagine. And then they put it out into the marketplace, where it was accepted with open arms. Not even a buffer of irony there so that the audience can point and laugh at the feeble beasts that would even harbor such a fantasy. It's not some weird, fucked up porn that you secretly watch by yourself and prey nobody finds, it's a show that was on national TV in Japan, and is doing well enough here to get dubbed and run on Netflix. I can't even.






3 H. Jon Benjamins out of 5.

Okay, I'm back! So, what'd I miss while I was gone?... 42 page views... 'Kay, not bad, I can work with this. Again, I'm pretty sure I disappointed a pervert or two with the misleading title, but hey, it's free press... Well, with that out the way, it's time to take things to the next level.... Behold: My official ranking system and method of review!

Base/Ground Rules (more TBA): No Real Hentai.

The point of this experiment is to seek out the worlds worst Harem/Ecchi Anime. NOT Hentai. As afformentioned, we've got a rep to uphold. Also, it is to prove that Anime (and Manga) as an art form is dead. Akira was great, Metropolis was a neat experiment, Dragonball was easily one of the funniest things I've ever read, and the most invested in a story I've ever been, but then Z had to come in and dry rape it like a drunken birthday clown with a vengeful erection, taking out years of scorn and frustration on the pristine, innocent butthole of its predecessor...

No Blue Balls.

The show must be willing to show some skin (not because I want to see it, but because it's a fucking cocktease if it don't give it up). You're CLEARLY not watching these types of shows for the damn plot, so it may as well be honest with itself and give you what you're coming to see (if you know what I mean?).

The Benjimeter.

All shows will be measured by the Jon Benjimeter. This is a measurement of just how many fucks the show gives. The more fucks, the lower the score. The less, however, the higher the Benjimeter. Not too difficult to follow, nay?

If anything else pops up, I'll be sure to let you guys know more about the ground rules section (still currently under development). But as always, be sure to keep comin' back to Borderline Hentai for The worlds ONLY WEBSITE dedicated to funny Anime reviews which point out how strange Eastern culture is (it's funny because it's different!).

If you were hoping to find cartoon porn here, sorry, no dice. We're classier than that here at Borderline Hentai. As such, to whomever bothers to stick around and read my drivel, I wholeheartedly thank, and welcome you to the ONLY website on THE WHOLE INTERNET dedicated to reviewing guiltless borderline Hentai (otherwise known as "Harem" anime, or perhaps even "ecchi"). Now, who on God's green Earth would even consider such a feat, and why? Seriously, what kinda Numbfuck McDumbnuts would even bother put the pen to paper on the heated, spit lubed clusterfuck that is the Harem/Ecchi genre, let alone anime? I mean, it's the same 3 to 5 stories regurgitated time and time again! Loser is forced to be around an army of hot chicks, tough guy gets progressively tougher through martial arts training (or rage, or both), monsters, robots, magic, adolescent girls, on and on, on and on, ON AND ON, ON and FUCKING ON! IT'S THE SAME ARTLESS, SOULLESS FUCKING THING, YOU BRAINLESS FUCKING SAPS!

... Anyhow... So, who would bother to comment on a popular trend in a day and age where doing so can get you cyber-lynched within an inch of your life? Well, it's a relatively simple answer. Me. I'm doin' it. And maybe (just maybe) I'll throw in a guest speaker or two to lighten the mood. This place is purely about the love of hate, and the hate of Anime, so if you're cool with that, maybe hang around a post or two? Maybe tell a friend or two? Either way, good on ya for stoppin' by.

I'll be coming out with content as soon as possible, and I already have a line up of truly gnarly stuff on its way, but suggestions are always welcome. I'm constantly in search of the worst possible Harem/Ecchi/anime in general planet Earth has to offer, so if you know something I don't, then why not feed me a stray comment? I'll be sure to have something worth reading by January at the latest, so don't worry, there's plenty of hate to go around. Until then, I leave you with this...

EDIT: The unedited video I'd intended to run with was bumped off YouTube almost overnight, so I present to you the watered down alternative to the authors artistic vision...

Next Post: Rules... Lots of Rules...